Saturday, July 03, 2004

"Welcome to the real world"

I feel pretty shitty. It's not the reservist looming in the distance. (Monday by the way...for 12 days...) It's not the post holiday blues. It's not even the bloody weather. It's real life as I know it.
I'm home and blogging after lazing around the whole afternoon and stewing on the state of my existence. What brought about such malaise and mired moaning? Well I had a nice long talk with my branch officer / supervisor. Apparently, I'm not exactly well liked by the powers that be in the GEB. It seems that I have been projecting an image that hasn't endeared me to them at all and it's largely due to the workshops that I keep getting sent for.
I am a willing learner. I have a passion for learning but I think I've been spoiled. The teachers that inspired me the most, and thus landed me in my present bloody predicament (a la teaching...), also instilled in me a sense of honesty. I was taught that learning was fun and life was about speaking truth, no matter what the consequences. (It's an extinct species known as integrity...) They taught me to see the joke in the subjects that everyone took SO seriously. (Thanks Frank...) And they taught me to speak my mind and dare to explore ideas.
So it came as a supremely huge disappointment to me when I finally got into teaching and found out that hardly anyone had anything to teach me. I yearned for that. Hungered for it. Almost burned out in search of it. Every course that I went for I went in with an accepting heart but for a mind that thirsted for nourishment, I only found sand. And while the "teachers" wanted us to drink the sand, I refused. So apparently, I'm a bad egg.
I'm beginning to feel the burn at the end of my wick and I don't think that I'm going to be able to hold back the flame. A crisis of faith...that was the original title of this post but I thought that the words that my supe decided to placate me with was so much more succinct and in line with the essence of this blog. All this crap has me doubting myself as a teacher. Am I really giving my students enough? Or am I similarly just giving them a drink of sand? Will what I teach be enough to get them through the exams? (Bah, I hate the word) Or have they been shortchanged with the teacher that they've got?
I seek solace in my classrooms...every other part of my job description causes me grief and I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I do not know nor care to placate the world around me. I work for my students. They employ me to teach them, whether they want me to or not. Everyone that I "work for" are employed by my's amazing how many people tend to forget that.


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